Remembering's dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place.

I don't really know how I feel right now. I have all these mixed emotions to the point I feel almost empty. A recent situation, which out of respect to the other parties I will not go into details about, has plagued the forefront of my mind for weeks now. It is something that makes me deeply sad when I think about it and I wish it wasn't something I had to deal with. I am a person who does not like conflict and does not like upsetting others yet, I seem to have angered someone a great deal and I wish it wasn't so.

I'm frustrated with my job situation. I have not had a job longer than a month and maybe a couple weeks since I moved out to Western MA. At this point if I get hired I just assume I will be fired a few weeks later. I really don't know why I bother looking for jobs.

I am frustrated that even after a year and 3 months, he is still on my mind and I miss him as much as the day he left. I hate that I can't contact him because I know if I do it will unravel everything I've done that past year and almost half regarding keeping my word in waiting for him to contact me. It's still hard though, especially when current things remind me of past things.

The worst part is, when I have a lot of stuff on my mind I start to get stressed, then I start to worry and then get paranoid. I end up taking it out on other people and getting angry at myself because it's something I swore I'd never do.

I talked to my step mom for the first time in three years on Sunday and I wonder if I made the right choice. She emotionally abused me when I was a kid and I've given her several chances before and she always blew it. Still, it hurts my dad that we all don't get along and that we can't go to his house and visit and so for him I did it. It will take a long time to forget though. I guess it just made me wonder if I am too nice and too soft a person.

I'm trying to work on my body image. There are days I really like how I look, there are days where I feel hideous and then there are days where I will eat and then force myself to throw up right after, though those are few and far between and it is not something that happens on a regular basis.

I am back on meds, so I am happy about that and I do have a potential job aspect. It just scares me that when I got fired I was basically like, "whatever, don't really care" that I could care less if i lost my apt and my car.

I will have days where I am happy and glad I have so much support and feel welcome amongst my community and friends. Then there are days where I will be happy then burst into tears as soon as I'm alone. I will wonder why people associate with me because sometimes I feel like I am a horrible monsterous person. Then sometimes I will realize that I am a sweet, caring, sensitive person who will put someone else before herself. Who would help her worst enemy, but I feel like others don't see this.

There have been a couple of times when I really wanted to cut myself, but I didn't. That makes me wonder, have I really changes? If I still hurt those around me, if I still get depressed, if I still think about him, if I still take my anger out on others, then what about me has changed?


I feel like life's biggest failure. I am 26 and have not had a relationship longer than 6 months, I have zilch money saved/put aside and I seem to keep screwing up.

I don't really talk about it cause I don't want people to think I'm slipping or going back to the "old Mel", but really right now I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a break down. I feel like I'm leaning over the edge, my head spinning, tears streaming, mind racing...then someone or something will pull me back and I will be fine. Happy, laughing, smiling, enjoying life.

I am just scared of that gust of wind that will finally send me over the edge.

Random thoughts of the day

• 23:58 You are obnoxious #
• 00:08 Amazing show amazing #
• 00:13 Omg you are so dumb and ruin everything #
• 01:14 Personal space use it #
• 01:24 Uro did flash gordon! #
• 12:35 wtf!?! Billy Mays (the oxyclean guy) died? #
• 12:36 @laphotogrrl awww man! I missed bell switch? bummer...well I WAS at URO #
• 12:47 wow...Billy was 50 like Michael! #
• 18:54 watching Beauty and the beast....now I know what provencial means! #
• 18:55 @molliekatie the singing telegram girl reminds me of Columbia #
• 21:00 Yankees vs Mets? GO YANKS! #
• 21:00 @Molliekatie I thought she looked familiar! #
• 21:23 once again, perfect score on an assignment I was struggling with. How do I do it? #

Random thoughts of the day

• 15:05 I will not let her be better than me #
• 19:59 Last URO show. With five other people. Here we go! #
• 20:13 Do not like people who lean in to listen to other peoples conversation #

Random thoughts of the day

• 10:25 Repo tonight! Come check it out at tower theatres, contact me for info! I'll be playing Amber Sweet! #
• 12:49 just got Bueno delivered for lunch ^_^ #
• 12:51 @lazy_ninja why all summer? Also, what are your rates? #
• 15:32 since I'm close to earning my associates, I now have a graduation team ^_^ #
• 15:45 apparently my gpa is 2.33 (c+)...oh woa I didn't know phoenix is private #
• 15:54 ooo my bachelors program <333 #
• 16:15 woa apparently I started school ON my birthday #
• 17:40 @laphotogrrl don't worry...I sing a along to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus #
• 17:40 what do prostitutes and people who work at Target have in common? #
• 20:44 Ya totally just fell down the stairs #
• 21:16 Almost forgot how much she loves game #

Random thoughts of the day

• 00:09 Dierks bently wrote a song for his friend that died from cf #
• 07:57 First day of work determined to stay off the internet #
• 13:43 OMG Farrah Fawcett died! 62 years old. #
• 18:38 R.I.P Michael Jackson #
• 18:43 Things always happen in 3...Ed, Farrah and Michael #
• 18:47 I also find it sad the, "Hey Riff! Show us Michael Jackson!" popped into her head #
• 21:57 @micah__taylor HAHA people are bummed cause Sean won't be there and he is notorious for not wasting any time (bea arthur within 12 hours) #
• 21:58 so I just opened my freezer and there is like a mound of snow #
• 22:03 sigh....I hate choices that involve the heart #

Random thoughts of the day

• 03:55 Movie was full of win! #
• 08:41 apparently it's mental health day #
• 12:48 So I've signed up for 12 pi-con panels....let's see how many actually make the final cut. Really hoping some of what I suggested does #
• 12:51 heh my spedometor read 10 10 10 when I looked down #
• 12:52 @octoberland17 I'm very sorry to hear, but sometimes it's for the best ::hugs:: #
• 13:12 when I say singed up for panels I mean they SUGGESTED me and I accepted and those MAY be on the scedule but won't know until final cut #
• 13:20 oh ya... I start a new job tomorrow! Went in for a couple hours today and got hired (and paid) #
• 13:21 and my new bodd also gave me 2 mugs and Noho Monopoly LOL #
• 13:22 and my new boss also gave me 2 mugs and Noho Monopoly LOL #
• 14:09 looks like I'm picking up the Wednesday 2-6 shift at WAG for the time being #
• 17:20 www.armagideon-time.com/?p=1877 #
• 17:54 Also awesome people actually suggested me for panels and as mod ::fingers crossed I get good ones::!! can't wait for final scedule #
• 18:22 Eddie Izzard= <3333 #
• 18:34 woa....Pirates 4?!?!? #
• 18:36 Just found out Tim Burton's Alice is actually through the Looking Glass #
• 18:37 Tweedledum, Tweedledee, Humpty Dumpty, Red Queen and the Jabberwock are all in the sequel and the movie #
• 19:37 HMMM Maybe it's a mix of both..either way Tim Burton = <3 #
• 20:36 Heh saw rudy at DQ #
• 21:05 About to see the proposal with lee! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 00:46 @UROrocks Tonight was so much fun!! Thanks so much!! #
• 10:11 oh man, apparently Ed McMahon died :-( #
• 22:32 going to pick up Lee for midnight release of Transformers 2...WOOHOO! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 09:32 Theories of Personality..A- and I got a perfect score on the final report...first time I've gotten perfect final scores for both classes!! #
• 09:50 shooting a promo video with URO tonight! I get to be "stunt" audience!! #
• 10:47 eep! Tim Burton+Johnny Depp+Helena B-C=WIN bit.ly/cFYnX #
• 16:56 no penquins allowed in the lab #
• 16:56 TBC is tonight, but I can't be there sent @miashell my update #
• 17:00 @octoberland13 can you send me the pi-con wiki link i can't seem to find it in my gmail #
• 23:44 @laphotogrrl HOORAY YOU! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 01:03 Lee just did be of the best first time sweet T ever #
• 01:04 Happy day of most collect calls oh and dads day #
• 01:04 I love the dads day show #
• 01:32 Lee just whipped sean for real! #
• 02:12 Well that was awkward #
• 02:23 The tattoo star girl is on the radio #
• 04:10 apparently FB upped the # of pics you can have in an album #
• 06:14 Combined a bunch of FB albums since you can now have more than 60...and now I sleep! #
• 06:14 oh happy solstice! #
• 12:53 thedailyitemoflynn.com/articles/2009/04/17/news/news13.txt #
• 15:21 I find rain like this calming #
• 15:51 Really with the sudden traffic? #
• 16:17 I bet this would be a great day if i did not have to deal with no job and my heart being split in three #
• 16:26 Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn #
• 16:41 Must resist the urge to call him #
• 16:53 Yay sox! #
• 17:16 At texas road house hour wait ugh #
• 18:16 @Aproclivity did you just twitter to yourself #
• 19:22 My step mom wrote us a letter for those who dont know she emotionally abused us #
• 19:22 Oh dad got us a wade boggs autograph #
• 19:38 I dont beleive im goin to my dads house after about three years am i being dumb? #
• 19:55 Still know how to get here lol #
• 20:43 Actually laughing #
• 23:00 Well that was a good convo #
• 23:07 Why the fuck have i gotten the same text like fifteen times #
• 23:15 Oh hey its litha #
• 23:34 Fading fast going to collapse #

Random thoughts of the day

• 03:28 good rehearsal we did a full repo run through #
• 03:29 whoever parked in my spot better get the fuck out before I key their fucking car (left them some "nice" notes) #
• 10:47 Tonight: Come Again Players Dad's day show! All male cast! Come see these
  beautiful men in fishnets and heels! Tower Theaters. South Hadley #
• 11:08 @Micah__Taylor congrats :-) #
• 11:54 Delicious panera breakfast! #
• 11:56 Omg heidi its almost time! #
• 15:33 Kohl's sent me $10 gift card....NSA...hmm nice #
• 15:57 @beaucoupkevin you should tell him his FACE is stupid #
• 15:58 going to watch Boys Don't Cry....midnight can't get here fast enough! #
• 18:42 Laying in bed with my kittys i heart when they cuddle up next to me #
• 20:24 so, I just realized i own the catnerbury tales and i bought a copy last week LOL #
• 20:43 Pre show committee meeting at ichiban #
• 21:30 There is a menue item called pork my fun #
• 22:18 Fried ice cream! #
• 22:42 I wish i could explain this seating its like raised stage and we are sitting on cushion with feet under table #
• 22:56 Forgot boots have to go back home fuck fuck fuck #

Random thoughts of the day

• 07:55 @octoberland13 Yup! ^_^ #
• 07:58 power came back on this morning. #
• 11:17 my buddy, Lucie is 5 today (incase you don't know she is mah fave doggie in the world) #
• 15:25 100% on my first quiz ^_^ #
• 15:54 sigh...so I have a potential job opportunity. Pays $8 and would screw me over with bills, but it's better than nothing #
• 19:00 shower then heading to Kiernan's....hooray party! #
• 19:37 perv Kitten strikes again #
• 23:40 @Lazy_ninja thanks for another great party! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 20:24 Sean is officially in the navy #
• 20:26 @octoberland13 AGREED! #
• 20:27 @laphotogrrl The last time I was in NYC I went on that and had a panic attack....I should remember I'm very acrophobic #
• 20:29 @ihadtimetokill I love NYC toys R US...is this your first time and OMG Nintendo World! <3 #
• 20:29 Today would have been Tupac's 38th birthday. #
• 20:30 added a new ab exercise to my workout #
• 20:30 @lazy_ninja looking forward to tomorrow! #
• 20:44 @octoberland13 Haha I laughed when I heard about "Moon" cause the guy I date is named Moon #
• 23:13 My power just went out #

Random thoughts of the day

• 00:14 Oh no frank is an amputee! #
• 02:05 got a 85% as a final grade in behavioral science! Interviews today...woo #
• 02:15 there exists a texting champion of the united states.$50,000 for being the fastest and most accurate texter...LOL #
• 09:57 How the fuck am i suppose to find something when there are no street signs? #
• 11:22 Figures i would have a staffing agency interview and they have nothing #
• 12:03 Wow people at subway are rude #
• 12:06 I just got a free subway sandwich cause the guy was an asshole to me #
• 14:51 @ihadtimetokill That's what I thought. Where does Skiba come from? #
• 17:45 @ihadtimetokill oh yes! I know of them...do not know their music though. #
• 17:53 @ihadtimetokill oh so sorta like me with Dropkick Murphys? How many times have you seen them live? #
• 19:11 Apparently they are bribing people to give blood with italian pastries #
• 20:38 I am going to be pretty pissed off if Brett goes to the Vikings #
• 21:45 the guy in the movie I'm watching just shouted "EVERYBODY EVERYBODY!" #

Random thoughts of the day

• 07:20 I got a perfect 250/250 on my interview project for my behavioral science class (my final paper) :-) #
• 07:21 Tonight-DKM and Aerosmith!! Going with Amanda and her cousin and friend :-) #
• 11:14 So there is over $1000 in my account now..unfortunately it's cause I have overdraft priviledge. #
• 12:23 @Micah_Taylor I was just thinking that same thing the other week! I also find it funny that I'm only a 92% match with myself #
• 12:25 LET'S GO MURPHYS!!! Aerosmith and Dropkick Murphys tonight!! Going with Amanda...2nd Aerosmith show and 13th DKM..HELLS YA!!! #
• 20:02 At the concert murphys were already on SO EXCITED #
• 20:23 Omg dkm is doing baba o'riley! #
• 20:55 I just spent like twenty bucks on food im not surprised though #
• 21:04 WOOOOOO!!!!!! #
• 21:30 Free bud and not the drinking kind #
• 21:35 TOKING AND ROCKING FUCK YA! #
• 21:54 @Ihadtimetokill i am so confused. What i your last name? #
• 21:57 Amanda just took a pic of steven tyler and he looks just like frank in it! #
• 21:57 Omg amazing sets! #
• 22:34 Real joe perry vs guitar joe perry guitar battle! #
• 22:47 Omg dropkick murphys and aerosmith just did dirty water together! #
• 22:54 Amazing concert so great seeing both of boston's boys together #
• 23:30 Picasso bird! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 11:57 Just noticed my car hit one hundred thousand miles and as im texting this that line in space oddity just played lol #

Random thoughts of the day

• 00:46 twitpic.com/7ctx0 - Poor lonely bagel :-( #
• 00:47 @Lazy_ninja Happy Birthday!! #
• 13:37 right epitaph...wrong grave #
• 14:24 just passed in my last final for classes. Tomorrow I start history and groooooan, algebra II #
• 14:58 My new uro shirt fits me perfect! #
• 15:13 I love the smell of new books #
• 17:14 Went to a used book store and got canterbury tales and a book called improper bostonians all about the history of gay and lesbians #
• 18:20 Omg sailors! #
• 18:48 Sitting in starbucks drinking a caramel apple spice and reading #
• 19:55 twitpic.com/7fa9v - WTF Carousel in boston?!?! #
• 20:41 must....see...www.bostonathenaeum.org/highwayman.html #
• 22:29 woa people are actually signing up for the panels I proposed for pi con! #
• 23:51 Dad got me a troy brown autograph and a coaster from a california vinyard #

Random thoughts of the day

• 11:57 going to boston pride to promote TBC...then URO with Dad! #
• 14:26 I just ran into reese who thought i was aviva at first #
• 14:27 Found people interested in being part of tbc and people who want to go #
• 14:52 Im waving that pride flag high! #
• 15:25 I got a free hug and now im watching a guy on a ladder #
• 15:35 Well i love that dirty water oooh boston you're my home! #
• 15:46 In the granary there is only one grave i want to see #
• 15:54 Omg i found it! I think im gonna cry #
• 16:47 Omg i just talked to jimmy! #
• 17:00 Oh my poor feet! #
• 17:20 Oh uro ups about to get infected with pride #
• 17:28 Creeps need to stop hitting on me #
• 17:41 So three random men all of african decent started to follow me one at a time #
• 17:57 Ran into sal and then moon at the play house feet hurt so bad #
• 18:31 Front row baby! #
• 21:28 Darcie just gave me a t shirt cause it is super small and im the only one who could fit in it #
• 21:46 Charles just did the graverobber bow to a bunch of teeny boppers #
• 22:26 Fuck #
• 22:42 Omg they did not do child! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 18:48 Going to eastern ma for the weekend going to be to rainy for nh #
• 19:11 So i need to learn to dance like dude #
• 20:21 Jimmy Richard! #
• 21:43 I found a stranger to follow #
• 22:27 I just drove and wasted gas for nothing he is not here tonight and i dont even know how to get home #
• 22:49 Two people needed each others numbers both called me #
• 23:39 Yay my dad is coming to URO tomorrow! #

Random thoughts of the day

• 10:28 Just filled out financial aid i hope i did it right #
• 17:07 Yay i can has frog checks and pirate address labels! #
• 17:23 Omg lee bought me the DSM-IV hardcover! #